Ask, Receive & Action

Another year has gone by without an update—over a year, really—and here I am again, picking up the threads to resume my storytelling. It's been a very eventful time, with a lot of magic and mystery, and also a whole lot of mundane, but I haven't wanted to write down and share any of it (more on that later). I could have easily abandoned this blog and this page a long time ago, but that is also not in my nature—putting myself out there in any form, whether in a refined or unrefined state, in the hopes of connecting to and relating with others of similar values and interests is. It is very much part of who I am and who I have always been. (I swear, the more and more I self-reflect, the more I realize just how Leo Sun and Sagittarius Rising I really am!) So while I am not going to sit here and ramble on about every little thing I have been up to since my last post, what I would like to share is how I recently got to this point of wanting to extend outward again. (Given the current state of the world, I was SO ready to Hermit...run off to some mountain cave and live all Sagely, but again, that is against my nature. Not my Dao).

40s: the DGAF Years

So I have been told by a few friends who are older than me, that if I enjoyed my 30s (which I did in terms of developing a stronger sense of self and stability in my work, home, and family), then my 40s would feel even more liberating because you just stop giving a flying fuck. "What do you mean?" I asked. I am a creature who sometimes cares a little too deeply, so the whole notion of entering a time of life where I stop caring sounded unnerving. Well, now entering my second year into this decade, I am starting to understand.

Based on the internal shifts I am beginning to notice, I am thinking it's not about not caring anymore, it's about refining the ability to sift out what does not serve. Less people-pleasing. More self-supporting. Less caring about what other people think and more standing sovereign in who we are and who and what we stand for. Because while the overculture might be all for individualism, personal success, and personal gain, at this point in life, one must be realizing the importance of community and the value in not having to go through life alone. It's just so much more difficult and lonely to try to do this earth walk by ourselves, and we are already seeing the devastating effects of what loneliness and the illusion of isolation can amount to in their extreme.

If in my 30s I was working on really getting to know who I am at my core and setting down roots for myself in home and career, then in my 40s, hopefully feeling more settled and sure of myself, I can then extend outward from a stronger core and focus more on community care. Heal thyself first. But then reach outward and help support others. Self-care, because then we are in a better position to care for others. We hear it all the time. We cannot keep giving from an empty cup. But it's the "caring for others" part that is really important. Healing and empowerment work are wonderful and necessary. Clarifying one's vision and striving for personal goals help us feel purposeful and give life more meaning, but doing all that only for ourselves, and even at the expense of others, is missing the point and, in my opinion, going against the Dao of who we are as human beings who need connection in order to not just survive, but thrive.

It's not that I've hit my 40s and I all of a suddenly know WTF I am supposed to be doing. Trust me, I still feel like I am flailing around trying to follow whatever the fuck my personal Dao/Gods/ancestors/guides are telling me. My life is not always put together. (Life with 4 kids, and one now in high school is chaotic, and crazy, and stressful, and beautiful.) It's still a work in progress and really, this is a process of becoming that will extend far beyond this particular earth walk. However, I feel like I have a much firmer grasp on who I am and what is important to me, that these are my guiding lights. My heart and my intuition tell me when I start to stray from my purpose (still more of an inner knowing kind of thing rather than something I can actually name at this point), my values orient me towards the people and causes that move me, and this DGAF filter helps weed out the things that are distracting and weighing me down.

Frankly, when I really start to hit my stride in my 40s and I feel like I am more fully in alignment with my Dao (my innate nature) and rockin' it, it will feel like such a relief. I can't fucking wait. I'm getting there and I am doing everything I can to get there and feel supported as I do the things.

Re-engaging with this space and this sharing process is part of it.

First, I Asked.

My time in the Sisterhood of Avalon and working closely with the Goddess Rhiannon taught me so many things, but one of the lessons that stuck with me the most is the importance of being able to ask for what I need. We can't make assumptions that the people around us just know what it is we need and want. (How many times have I gotten unreasonably and unfairly mad at my partner for not knowing what I want? Poor guy. I am getting much better at asking!) We can't expect the Gods, our guides, the Universe, to just know and help us manifest what we need and want. First, we have to be honest enough with ourselves to be able to discern what those real needs and wants are (not just the willy nilly thoughts that pass through our minds like drifting clouds), and then to be able to crystallize those thoughts into words, to manifest them into being.

So in my flailing about in the last year as I was juggling many streams of work, family responsibilities, and trying to keep some semblance of self-care in the mix, I have been leveraging my divination tools to connect with the unseen to clarify what my needs and wants are, the ones that bring me more in alignment with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

In the last few weeks, after reading Perdita Finn's excellent "Take Back the Magic" (which also serendipitously came into my life), I have taken to asking my ancestors directly for support with things beyond the typical asks of good health, prosperity, security, etc. Help me find better ways of supporting my youngest son through his difficult emotional moments. Ancestor cooking gurus, help me nail this new recipe I have never attempted before so that my cooking Chinese food can help me feel more connected to my lineage. Help me align myself more with WTF I am supposed to be doing in this lifetime...my Fate road, my Dao, my life's purpose, using my unique gifts. Give me strength and enough patience to NOT THROTTLE MY MOODY TEENAGER THX!

I have been asking the spirits on various levels for assistance with a bunch of things. Another example, in thanking the land spirits for the shelter of my home and asking for continued protection, safety and security for me and my family, they apparently conjured up a big wasp nest in the tree just beyond our patio that has kept away the problematic kids and neighbours. I hadn't even realize it was there until last week when I was tidying up the patio, one of said irritating neighbours pointed it out and told me to go get some Raid and do something about it. (Umm...nope. First, it's so high up and I don't have a ladder. Second, it's not my responsibility. Not my tree. Contact the complex administration and have them take care of it if the wasps are bothering your fruits so much!). The wasps haven't been bothering us directly. The spirits have been answering my asks in their own ways and I have been working on paying better attention.

Then I Received.

Synchronicities have been popping up quite frequently as of late. The spirits have been pointing out little threads for me to follow and weave together. I have been working on attuning more with my intuition to help me to identify and discern what the messages are. It's been like a little treasure hunt and along the way, I have been led back here.

"I want to live more in alignment with my soul's purpose, and I want to be able to start doing the things that will get me there."

A week or so ago, my tai chi teacher called me out of the blue to see how I am doing and asked if I am coming back to class. I stopped attending my weekly class when summer started because of family responsibilities, after being around 1.5 years into the 3-year process of learning the long form. Despite the kids being back in school and the family now back in the flow of our weekly routine, I can't continue my usual class because I am taking adult swim lessons during that time slot (another long story). We tried to find another class in a different time slot for me to join but it didn't work out. That's when my teacher offered a different solution to keep me on my learning path. I felt really humbled. So so grateful. He said I am a mother of four, I work really hard, and I deserve some time for me. I just had to jump on it. I have been saying for years that I would like to be a little old lady teaching tai chi and qi gong community classes one day. I now have a path to continue my learning.

"I am craving intentional, co-creative community."

After largely stepping away from community to focus on personal studies for awhile, once again, things are happening that have started to spark seemingly random connections with people of similar interests and values, and it feels exciting! It's also been a little nerve-racking as old insecurities and worries try to infiltrate my thoughts, but I recognize them and I feel mostly intrigued and hopeful. I remind myself that I have always woven community together out of necessity, out of the desire to connect with others on some meaningful level, so something tells me that this will be happening again in the future. In what capacity, I'm not sure yet, but I can feel it coming, and as much as I want to resist having to facilitate again on my own (because this Mama is tired and has a lot on her plate!), I have confidence the co-creative aspect of whatever is coming will be helpful and supportive.

Now I am Actioning.

Once you receive the messages from the Unseen, you need to take time to reflect and integrate, and then eventually act intentionally and strategically with the information given, otherwise, what was the point in the asking? If you keep asking and getting answers, but then don't ever do anything meaningful with what is being shared....if you ask for advice but don't really listen or take the advice, the spirits will keep repeating the same things until you get it. or they just stop answering. Can confirm.

After offering up my asks to the spirits, two quotes from women in "the community" that I admire and learn from, really caught my attention and set me back on this path towards writing and sharing.

"Your voice has impact."

"I am waiting for more Asian American native practitioners, or Asians of the Diasporas, to take up the mantle so that I can put down mine."

Now....these hit me. Hard.

One was said to me directly, probably as a generalization, and one was written in a newsletter to the writer's audience. Neither was personally directed at me, but I just know the spirits were pinging me to clue in.

My voice has impact. I have a certain sphere of influence. If I speak, there are some people who will listen. I know that. So if I have something to share, there is a possibility that there may be someone out there who might find it helpful. My sharing doesn't need to go viral. I am not looking to reach a thousand people. I am not looking for a following. If I can help even one person feel seen, or understood, then that's something. That is more than enough. That is meaningful. That makes a difference.

I recently saw an announcement for a forthcoming anthology that includes the writings of various magical women across the Asian diaspora. This is the description:

In Coven of the East, twenty-two writers from across the Asian diaspora come together to reclaim, reimagine, and resurrect the magical traditions often erased from mainstream narratives.

I immediately thought "wow, if my 13 year-old self had this book back then when I first discovered witchcraft, magic and Paganism, how much less alone would I have felt?" I wish I had this resource when I was just starting out. I wish there were more resources about the wisdom traditions of my Chinese ancestry, written from a more modern, practical, magical perspective and from native voices. I wish I knew back then that there were many more people out there that were just like me.

When I was introduced to the work of Benebell Wen at a time when I had finally come to a place of inner healing, acceptance, and reclaiming of my Chinese heritage, and then found her blog, her Youtube channel of wonderfully informative and thorough videos on various aspects of Chinese occultism, and her book The Tao of Craft, it was like...it was the bridge I needed to finally be able to tap into the wellspring of knowledge and wisdom of my ancestry, and feel empowered and inspired by it. And for a long time, she was one of the only Chinese-American voices that I knew of in the community who was sharing this sort of thing. And then I was introduced to the work of Mimi Young, a Taiwanese-Canadian animist Witch and spirit medium, who offers self-study classes, workshops, magically-infused ritual products, and a variety of spiritual services that blend Craft and Taoism in a way that really resonate with me. Her offerings, like Benebell's, have been instrumental in my current explorations and I am so beyond grateful for both of their work, offerings, for their wisdom, and courage being...well...trailblazers in the wider North American Pagan community. I know they didn't set out to be trailblazers, but they are. They really are.

I just hadn't considered the burden that comes with being lone voices in predominantly...non-Asian...spaces. Feeling like a beginner again, I was too busy soaking in everything I could...being extractive, really...that I hadn't considered how difficult it could be to be in that position in such a public way. It didn't occur to me that they, and the wider community, might actually benefit from more and more diverse voices speaking up, sharing their experiences and practices in an authentic way. And it certainly didn't occur to me that I could help share in the burden.

I'm not a writer. If anything, I am a rambler. (Sorry for this long word count already!) I don't have any meaningful credentials. (These are Shadow things I still struggle with). I routinely swing between confidence and Imposter Syndrome. Who am I to think I have anything meaningful or helpful to share? Who would listen to me? I am so going to get hated on by internet trolls...I shouldn't bother writing because no one will read. I'm going to get plagued by shitty comments. People are going to call me out for not having any certifications. Don't. Bother.

The above deeply-ingrained thoughts and beliefs have plagued me for a very long time. They have muted my voice, dimmed my light, and have prevented me from fully stepping into my power. Well, in the last week or two, during this Eclipse Season, the spirits have indicated that these are now on the chopping block. It's time to release them all, let them go. It's time to move, to act, to do the thing that will really help me level up. Do. The. Thing.

Yesterday I woke up and a thought popped into my head. It was time to re-design my blog space and start writing again. I got a mental download of a bunch of things I could write about and I was reminded that it doesn't matter if no one reads any of it now. It'll live on the internet and one day, maybe one of my posts might reach someone who needs it. Back then, I wished there were more resources for people like me, witches of the Chinese diaspora. I wished I knew more people with similar interests and backgrounds. My ramblings....well...maybe they might reach someone else who is searching. And not just those from Chinese ancestry, though maybe those children of immigrants who grew up disconnected from their mother language and culture might related a bit more to certain aspects of my sharings. But I like to think my broader writings on life and the journey through life will speak to a broader audience. Someone else who is struggling on their journey. Someone else who needs to know they are not alone. And that is reason enough to keep at this.

I am not a professional writer. I am no expert. I am simply one human being on a journey. Just like you.

If you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it!

And you, on your very own adventure through life...I see you. Keep going. You're doing great. Really!

Journeying with you,

Kelly