Showing up imperfectly and willing to change is better than not showing up at all.

I did it again.

Another cycle complete. Another new year according to the Chinese lunisolar calendar. Today is Lunar New Year. It’s now the year of the Wood Dragon. Though I have learned a lot through the previous year of the Water Rabbit and progressed along my path in small but meaningful ways, I have nothing here to show for it. I let fear of judgment and fear of failure silence my own voice again. I didn’t allow myself to write and share outside of my personal journal despite it being a year in which I journaled much more than previous years. No notes, discoveries, insights small or large, reflections, successes or failures here–and I regret it. Another lesson not fully learned.

But with another year comes another cycle and another opportunity to try again. This time, a little wiser.

I have been craving community and meaningful connection. I have a wonderfully supportive partner, close family, and a beautiful hearth of spiritual Sisters, but ever since I shifted focus a few years ago and sought to explore the wisdom traditions of my Chinese ancestry, I have been hoping to find others treading similar pathways to share insights and experiences. It’s been a wonderful road of self-discovery, healing and empowerment, and so much of it is and should remain private, but I know there are also things that can be shared in order to connect with and relate to others, in order to know and remind others that we are never truly alone, especially in those moments of darkness when it can be hard to find the way forward. But making new connections can’t happen if I don’t show up. I have been showing up for myself, but it’s time again to show up for others, for the collective, so we can lift each other up. And not just show up, but to feel comfortable enough to show up exactly as I am.

I am not perfect. No one is. Not even the people who I look up to as mentors, teachers and role models. So why do I keep trying to hold myself to that standard? Why do I keep telling myself I am not yet enough to put myself out there and have people take me seriously, and at the same time, telling myself I am too much and no one will be able to understand what it is I want to share? I have and am still working through all of this, but in the meantime, it doesn’t mean I cannot share the struggle. The process. Perhaps others are struggling in similar ways too. Maybe we can support each other through the process. I won’t know if I don’t try,

So here I go again. Another turn of the spiral. This time, I will try to show up and share what I can, even if it’s the littlest of musings, whether there has been previous contextual sharing or not. Not every post has to follow the one before. I don’t have to tell a whole story and post to post doesn’t even have to relate. Even the snippets can contain little nuggets of gold, if not for others, than for myself to track my winding way.

I am reminded of this quote I posted almost a year ago.

Let’s just start again and see where it goes.